15 11 / 2012
I’ve been struggling and struggling, like many people I’m sure.
Why am I here? Why should I be alive when I’m not deserving of the life I’m living.
I needed to get back to basics. I needed to find my story. I needed to write. I needed to reach out to God, to others and to give of myself all that I am and have.
I need to put my faith into action.
You see, in 1994 I should have died. The only reason I am alive is that their is a greater purpose for my life. What that purpose is, I’ve realized is not up to me. It’s up to God. So today, I’m letting go and letting God and having the faith to let him, God guide me even when I’m not sure where I’m supposed to be.
What is it that I’ve been kept alive to do?
On June 5th, 1994 my Mother, Aunt and I were in a car accident. My Mother and my Aunt were killed that day. They were thrown from the car we were driving in after being in a collision with another vehicle. That collision caused the car we were in to flip over four times hurling our bodies in and out of the vehicle. However I am still here. I walked away from this accident with no bodily harm except a scratch on my knee, a burn on my back, bruised knuckles and mangled fingers. I wear that scar on my knee like a compass, reminding me to keep my direction.
However, I’ve lost that direction. My twenties and thirties have breezed past me with out as much as bump. I’m not married, I don’t have babies, I’ve found myself at a job where I feel no emotional reward and I’ve fallen in and out of love more times then I care to remember. On the positive side I’ve navigated the loss of both my parents in the best way possible, I’ve overcome sever panic attacks, I’ve made it on my own with out help, I’ve been gainfully employed all my life, I’ve kept and made beautiful friendships and I’ve been a loyal friend, sister, confidant, mentor and daughter.
Yet for me this is not enough. It’s not a lasting enough value in my heart. I want to look at my life and feel I’ve not only done the best that I could but I am the best that I can be.
What I realize is that I want a deeper more meaningful relationship with God. I want to not only talk the talk but also walk it. Meaning I want the people around me to know who I truly am and what it is I stand for. I want to find a way to be the change in the world I want to see. (loosely quoting Gandhi) I want to be physically fit, healthy both physically and mentally, I want to be a role model and mentor to kids in need. I want to live a life with integrity and purpose. I want to fall in love with the right guy and build a family. I want deeper relationships with the people who are in my life right now and the people who destined to enter. I want to rid my life of everything and anything that isn’t living with a direct purpose to be better. I want to meditate, do yoga, swim frequently, hike more and travel often. I want a home that inspires me and a life that inspires others.
I want to wake up every morning shouting, Yes! Thank you God for another day. I want to feel that my life is truly beautiful.
I want to be true to my word in all that I say and do.
I realize a lot has to be done. I realize I’m more than capable in God’s hands. So with this post at 10pm on a Tuesday night, my journey begins.
God be with me in all that I say and I do. Amen.